Coping with difficult emotions, such as sadness, anger, or fear, is developmentally more difficult for children than for adults. Until children have learned how to deal with their troubling feelings, it is important for parents to assist children in dealing with these experiences.

The way that you, as a parent, respond to your child's distress is very important. There are different ways to respond to children's distress — supportive ways or unsupportive ways.

A supportive response will:

  • Invite the child to explore their feelings.
  • Encourage the child to express their emotions.
  • Help the child understand the situation that triggered the feelings.
  • Support the child to improve the situation.

An unsupportive response, on the other hand, might:

  • Minimise the child's emotional experience.
  • Teach the child that their emotions are unimportant.
  • Either directly or indirectly send the message that it is not okay to display emotions.
  • Cause the child to worry about what might happen if they do experience or express negative emotions.

Supportive responses to children's distress and emotional difficulty has been found in the research to be linked to things such as:

  • Emotional awareness.
  • Improved emotion regulation.
  • Better communication skills.
  • Social competence, including better quality of friendships and relationships.

So do you have a supportive, or an un-supportive style of responding? Take this brief quiz to find out:

Your score:

Your ranking:

Some examples of different types of reactions include:

  1. Problem-focused reactions — e.g. helping your child think of ways to solve the difficulty.
  2. Emotion-focused reactions — e.g. distracting your child by talking about happy things.
  3. Expressive encouragement — e.g. telling your child it's OK to cry when you feel unhappy.
  4. Distress reactions — e.g. getting upset with the child for creating the difficulty.
  5. Minimization reactions — e.g. telling your child that he/she is over-reacting.
  6. Punitive reactions — e.g. telling him/her "that's what happens when you're not careful."

Which ones do you think are supportive, and which ones unsupportive? Take a moment to see if you can guess.

The answer, as I hope you guessed, is that items 1, 2 and 3 are supportive, and 4, 5 and 6 non-supportive.

Supportive parenting
Supportive parenting: Try "active listening"

So how can you support your children to manage their distress in times of difficulty?

Manage your own stress

The most important one is to manage your own stress. Research has found that when parents are stressed, their own parenting style becomes more unsupportive. Things to especially be aware of are job dissatisfaction (try to keep work and home life separate), marital dissatisfaction for fathers (be open with your partner about your feelings, and consider couples counselling), and perception of home chaos for mothers (put a routine into place, ask for support).

Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. Engage in behaviours that you find relaxing and de-stressing. Show your children that this can be a way to manage distress or even traumatic events. They will learn this from you.

Stay calm

When your child comes to you upset, or becomes angry, sad or afraid — always stay calm and regulate your own emotions. Depending on the situation, this can demonstrate to your child that:

  • They can always come to you with their problems, without fear of your reaction.
  • No matter how upset they are, you (their parent) are a source of stability.
  • That in very distressing situations it is possible to not let your emotions run away with you.
  • That when emotions like anger or anxiety visit it is best to respond calmly and logically.

These last two can be related to modelling — demonstrating, through your behaviour, the most appropriate way to act. For example, if your child speaks to you in anger, you might conceivably start to feel angry yourself. This would be the perfect situation to demonstrate appropriate anger management and communication skills to your child.

Talk with your child

Talking with your children about their fears and concerns is the main thing that enables them to make sense of their experiences. Talking things through also helps them to feel safe and normal, and also to begin to cope with events happening around them.

Notice I said talk "with" your child. When I say this I don't mean telling, teaching or advising; I mean listening and responding.

You might want to try starting a conversation with your child at a time that they are likely to talk, by letting them know you are interested in hearing what is going on for them. Otherwise you might need to wait for them to come to you. Any comment they make can be an opportunity to explore your child's inner world.

Let them express whatever they're thinking. They will, if given a chance — you might just need to curb your urge to jump in and start problem solving, interpreting or giving advice. Don't interrupt them. Encourage them to continue with minimal prompts — really allow them to express all their ideas before you respond. Reflect back to them what you've heard, to both check your understanding and to let them know you are listening.

Sometimes, all someone needs is to feel really heard. To have someone look into their eyes, and say, with total empathy, "I know." This can be far, far more valuable than any "quick fix" you could suggest.

However that's not to say that it's not helpful to offer your own opinion. Support them to come up with their own solutions. Remind them you are always there for them.

Make home a safe space

Home is a refuge from the outside world. Do what you can to ensure that the home is a safe haven — comfortable and predictable. Establish and maintain a daily and weekly routine, as children of all ages need stability. Plan a night where everyone engages in a family activity. If your lifestyles are busy this can be even more important, to continue to build and maintain connections between family members.

On the other hand, if your child wants to be alone for a bit, there should be a private space they can go to.

Be aware of your children's moods

You know your child better than anybody else. Watch for signs that they are experiencing stress, fear or anxiety. This is particularly important if the family is under stress, if there has been a traumatic event, or you know something else is going on.

When a child is experiencing difficult emotions, their behaviour will change. Things to watch for include:

  • Difficulty sleeping.
  • Difficulty concentrating.
  • Changes in appetite.
  • Irritability or moodiness.
  • Stomach aches.

If your child has been under stress or has experienced some form of trauma, then these symptoms are normal and should begin to disappear after a few months.

To help them through it, encourage your children express their feelings — to let them out.

Invite your child to put their feelings into words by talking about them. If it's something they aren't ready to talk about, writing about it in a journal can be a good stepping stone. Some children may find it helpful to express their feelings through art.

If your child doesn't feel confident being "creative" in these ways, one simpler way is to pick out different music and songs that match the way the child feels inside. The "how" isn't so important. What is important is that your child doesn't bottle it all up.

What parents can do to support their children

Stop and listen when your children come to talk to you. Your children will know if you are really listening if you:

  • Stop what you are doing.
  • Look directly at them as they speak.
  • Allow them to speak uninterrupted.
  • Clarify what they are saying and how they are feeling by saying such things as, "It sounds like you are feeling worried that…"
  • You may then ask them what they need to enable them to feel better.
  • Listen to what they say, as they will let you know if they just need a cuddle, reassurance or a more detailed explanation.

Be a role model

Children observe their parents' body language (posture, facial expressions and tone of voice and choice of language) and listen to conversations in the home. Remember that how you cope with stress is being noticed by your children. It is helpful for children if parents can discuss issues with each other in calm ways, and agree to take a break if tension rises between them.

Get social support

Keeping yourselves and your children involved in community sport and social activities also helps. It's a way to help your child to understand that drought is a shared problem, and that it is good to focus on other things, get engaged and have fun. Getting connected with the community is also beneficial for your mental health and family relationships.

Allow expression of feelings

When children experience difficult feelings such as sadness, anger, anxiety and stress, they will express them in different ways. The best way to support your child at these times is to listen and help them to identify their feelings. Provide reassurance through cuddles and let them know it is okay and normal to be sad, and to express their feelings however feels appropriate.

Engage in self care

Pay attention to your own feelings and thoughts as they arise. Manage them sooner rather than later by talking about them with family or friends, your local GP or a community service. This can benefit your children, as you are then more likely to get things in perspective and remain calm. Read more about self care in times of stress.

When to seek professional support for your child

If you notice that your child is:

  • becoming withdrawn and less interested in socialising.
  • less interested in activities that they usually enjoy.
  • experiencing changes in sleeping or eating habits.
  • experiencing falling grades at school.
  • more irritable than usual.

It may be time to seek professional help. Talk with your GP, School Guidance Counsellor, or phone a community support service such as Lifeline or Parentline. You can give ParentLine a call on 1300 301 300 (in QLD or NT) for advice over the phone. If you live elsewhere, there are other advice lines available.

Conclusion

I hope this information and advice helps you guide your children through tough times. If you find yourself getting stuck, feeling overwhelmed, or needing more help: Please consider talking to someone who might be able to help with more strategies and support.

We at Anglicare Mental Health & Family Wellbeing offer children's, family and parenting counselling. Please get in touch with us to find out what service might work best for you.

Last modified on Mar 16, 2022 @ 2:40 pm

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